Heart Shaped World

I lost my Artists Way book! For over a week! And it all went down the pan, just when I was starting to really feel my creative inner artist starting to surface and then BOOM I shut it out (subconsiously) Why is that? Am I afraid of something? - being great?? so today when I finally got a chace to read Week 5 I loved this bit:

Dependence on the creator within is really freedom from all other dependencies - it is the only route to real intimacy. Placing my dependency on the source instead of myself would leave me feeling so free and light!! aaaahh. I've had a recent breakthrough in my marriage - I need to give up being attached to the outcome and give up FIXING all the time. Just let it be, leave it to God - wow, that has just moved me to tears. I'm such a fool... working sooo hard to make it all right, being so impatient - JUST LET IT BE!!! Last week I chose "no, husband" - and felt really light after and now strangely we are having the most romantic time together. Which has really been a theme for me the past week or so. In the relationship seminar I'm doing I created that romance doesn't have to be cheesy t.v romance , chocolates, red roses etc - my attitude was that I am the most unromantic person in the world - didn't want it didn't need it. And then I created that romance is fun, cheeky and naughty - well now I'm inspired!

So, Valentines night I blindfolded my husband and drove him up to Richmond Park (2000acres of wild english countryside 5mins from our house) The gates shut at sunset, but the pedestrian gate was open, so still blindfolded I lead him along the path for about 10mins. I was wondering where on earth we were going to picnic when as if by magic the PERFECT spot appeared, complete with rising full moon, swathes of teeny snowdrops and a view of the twinkling valley framed by massive oak trees - could not believe this gift! So, while he was still blindfolded I set out the blanket, lit loads of candles and then removed his blindfold - he had NO idea where we were! We drank pink champagne and ate smoked salmon etc. Before having fun with the squirty cream thingy and delicious strawberries the size of small apples - awesome and fun and cheeky and then it just got naughty! The most romantic night ever. And then to add to the naughtiness we got locked INTO the park! So, a little drunk and dishevelled we climbed over the 12foot spiky gates while the gate keeper drove up to the gate - hehehe, Such fun and so many giggles! Absolutely - i'm lost for words - It is amazing what we can create and it is awesome what God will provide - MAGIC Serendipity.

my little cousin is staying with me at the mo and she decorated the house last week!

And:

The Virtue trap - This is exactly what I needed to read right now. I find it so hard to make the time and the space for me. It is a real effort and I must make it happen - I haven't the past couple weeks and I feel crap for it. So, I acknowledge that I have let myself down and this week I am back into it with a renewed vigour - Morning Pages this week will be 7 out of 7! AND I think I will continue a week behind the rest of you. I don't want to have to rush to catch up - there is so much in each chapter.

This week my weekly art just felt yuck. But the romance theme is there - I was so unhappy with the first one that I made a quick 2nd, and am equally unhappy - no doubt this is the result of me being self destructive...the virtue trap.

Last weekend my artist date was an hour foot reflexology appointment - wow, I felt GREAT after! The woman who did it was soo present and into it - really good for me to just let her give to me, to accept her generosity, her gift, her nurturing energy - it moved me to tears. I felt really filled up after.

The Big Art

"All the arts we practise are apprenticeship. The big art is our life" M.C.Richards

I love this quote, I am busy creating the big art - my life is full on: messy, thrilling, loving, frustrating, joyful life and I'm loving it.

This week I did 4/7 days of Morning Pages and they weren't as long as I would have liked. My artist date was rushed and I wasn't alone - the kids & I went ceramic painting. Every year we paint breakfast plates and put their handprints on them so we watch them grow. I have needed a gravy boat for a long time and so I painted one up - can't wait until Tuesday to pick them up!

What I enjoyed from this weeks chapter was Honest Changes - I describe this as being Authentic. So often when we experience a loss of power it is because we are being inauthentic or we are out of integrity. Over the past two years I have been really working on getting Authentic - distinguishing the pretense and then working through that. Last week my big breakthrough was all about Integrity - where Integrity is honouring yourself as your word. I had a real problem with my husbands lack of integrity when I got authentic about it - I actually have a real problem with my own lack of integrity - not doing what I say I will do. So this week I have been cleaning this up and I am feeling like a different person - stuff from long ago that I had kept quiet about that I was pretending was OK.

I went and had a drastic haircut on Monday night (oh I guess this could have been the other half of my artist date!?) and boy do I feel good! It is a very trendy funky haircut and more daring than I have had in a long time. It was something I have been thinking about for a while - I had grown my hair long because my husband likes long hair...now my hair reflects who I really am again! yay!! All part of rediscovering my true identity.

I like the putting the affirmations it in writing. Its like thoughts don't have power if they aren't expressed/shared in language. Kind of in line with what I was saying before about honouring our word as ourselves - we are what we say.

Buried Dreams was fun - the goal setting course I did Saturday a week ago was this excercise. We had fun cutting and pasting pictures of our dreams into a little goal book. I must keep doing this and being present to my dreams. And my big thing for this year is to have more FUN FUN FUN! Lighten up. Just tonight as I was tucking my 8yr old into bed he said that I'm "not fun anymore" arrrgh. And its true I don't make the time to play games with them like he would like - but then on the other hand he did spend an hour pummelling me around in the local pool this afternoon & he doesn't have any other Mum who dances around the house as silly as his Mum ;)

Reading Deprivation - I haven't created the time to read books...I'm always telling myself I must read more. Kind of knowing that when I get into a good book, my complete lack of self discipline means the kids don't get fed, the dog doesn't get walked and the house falls down around my ears until the book is finished...I did refrain from reading the news and blogs and there was no TV.

Extended Artist Date - I am thinking weekend in Paris - but all alone!? eeek. I would definitely be OUT of my comfort zone. But I love this quote - "Until we experience freedom of solitude, we cannot connect authentically". Since I like the challenge of being out of my comfort zone I am going to do Paris! Oh, how I love paris all the Art Galleries! yum

And I enjoyed writing to me from when I'm 80:

Dear 31 year old Holly,
Make sure you live life to the full, that you are always living a life you love. Make a difference to the lives around you and continue transforming and having breakthroughs - life is a work in progress - you never get it all sorted out. Live consciously and enjoy the small things. Be generous and compassionate - accept and love people exactly the way they are and the way they are not. Make sure you always keep active and keep a beautiful garden with lots of flowers. Ensure that every year you go on a holiday to somewhere you haven't been before, where you will appreciate a different culture. Swim in the sea as often as you can. Make time with God and time for yourself a priority - filling your cup so it can overflow. Always have a creative project to work on and keep your hands busy. Never stop learning and growing. Keep your life balanced and BE FUN!

This weeks artwork is influenced by Paul Klee. I like the naivety of his work. The poem I pulled from a box this afternoon and it was so appropriate - LOVE IT. And I really enjoyed the meditative state of doing something with my hands, time to be still, to think and really enjoy the music - I was loving Pink Floyds "I need a dirty woman" hehe